"Are you okay, honey?"

September 2011

I have gone back and forth on this for several weeks now. And ultimately, it's my decision. My choice.

But I'll wait for you.
I'll wait.
It's what I'm doing. It's what I chose to do.

You told me not to wait. But I don't want to move on. And I'm disinterested in moving on. And I don't see any reason why I could when I think and feel about you the way I already do. I don't want to be with anybody else.

my sincerest experience of happiness

It was bad. I mean bad.

He'd kiss me, and suddenly I'd be Pissed Off. Convinced he was using me. Convinced this was just crap and he was a selfish man. I had to let him know it too. Because my reactions were so strong, there was no other way to get past them. I'd say, "Right now. I feel like hating you because I think you are lying. Are you lying?"

"Betsy, what would you do with your life if you never got to have a family?"

I dreamed I had no eyebrows. I had plucked too many and they kind of just fizzled out into blonde nothingness. (This wasn't the point of the dream, but you know how dreams are.) The lieutenant was over at my parent's house. It was a holiday. A surprise visit. I had never felt such joy--